The Abominable Snowman Inside my Head

After an unseemly writing hiatus, here I am! So many blog worthy things have happened, and my fingers are itching at the thought of jotting them all down. I can hardly decide which one to write. I still have a fabulous idea in my head titled "Hate at First Sight" that I have been dying to put on paper. However, I also have something along the lines of  "The Art of Lying" that really tickles my pickle. Yet I think the one that totally gets my engine revved though is "The Abominable Snowman Inside my Head." Yes, I think that's the one.


Food is something I struggle with. My day revolves around what I eat, or more accurately, what I don't eat. I think about calories and fat content about a thousand times a day. Nothing goes into my mouth without a slightly guilty feeling. Anything that makes the calorie count go higher causes anxiety. So, in a nutshell, food causes anxiety. 


How on earth did I get to this point? How did I become a food lunatic? Well, I look back on the past few years of my life and I can see where a healthy life style change became an unholy, extreme obsession, yet I'm not exactly sure what pushed it over the edge. In my minds eye I can see the tiny little snowball that started at the top of the mountain and just grew and grew and grew until it was the worlds biggest snowball, and then that gigantic snowball turned into the Abominable Snow Man. That's right, my struggle with food is personified as The Abominable Snow Man. He's all out of control and hairy and smelly. He makes crazy, loud noises and runs around with his arms up.  Imagine having that inside your brain. 


So, here I am weighing in at 108 lbs. My ultimate dream weight, my goal. Yet now it isn't enough. The urge to continue losing weight is there. The damn snow man is still screaming and smelly. On my 5 foot 3 inch frame, I know that 108 lbs is the lowest I should go. I KNOW this. But the Snow Man won't get out of my head.


I know I'm not alone in this struggle. As women we pretend that being this skinny is a natural state and we never admit to others that we don't eat as much as we should, or that food is a struggle. For most women under 110 lbs is not a natural state, so why can't we tell each other that? Why can't we band together and recognize the beauty of curves? The beauty of the natural state of our bodies? 


One day soon I would love to stop being a food lunatic and actually enjoy food I put into my body. I would love to be able to easily eat food I didn't prepare myself. I would love to actually attend a dinner party and feel comfortable instead of dreading it. So, here I am admitting my struggle to myself and to everyone. Let's change our way of thinking. Let's find the beauty in how our bodies are made, and stop forcing them into an impossible mold that Hollywood sells us. 


LET'S KILL THAT DAMN ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN!!!