The Green Squishy Thing That Almost Killed Me

After two giant cups of coffee, I was sitting at my computer holding my pee for the better part of an hour. I finally decided it was either pee my pants or sprint to the bathroom and hope that my bladder was strong.  I decided on the tricky business of sprinting and holding it at the same time. I jumped up from my chair, raced across my office and into the bathroom without turning on the light. I took two steps inside, my right foot came down on the tile, and SQUISH. I stepped on something gelatinous, and squishy. It's amazing how many thoughts can run through your head in the space of about two terrifying seconds. I imagined I had stepped on some worm-like creature that was now smashed into a blob on the bottom of my foot. I then imagined I had stepped on a baby snake. 

Yes, a baby snake. I know that sounds insane, but it was dark and I stepped on something long and squishy! If you think I'm crazy then you obviously have much more mental fortitude than I do when it comes to squishy things. At this moment I became convinced  there was indeed a squished baby snake on the bottom of my foot, and I'm absolutely positive that my heart stopped beating for a solid minute. (When I say I'm positive it stopped beating, what I really mean is that I completely imagined it stopped beating). I then almost died, because my heart was so obviously not beating. Somehow, in the last moments of my life I managed to flip on the bathroom light and look down at the bottom of my foot, dreading that the baby snake might actually still be alive. I looked at my foot, blinked, and my heart started beating again. Surprise, it was not a baby snake. It was some grass my chihuahua had thrown up. While grass throw up is disgusting, it is not terrifying. That being said, this green, squishy thing did almost kill me. The lights will be on before I enter any room from this day forward. Yep, I've now added stepping on a baby snake to my irrational list of fears. Thanks, green squishy thing.





I did not feel this way about my squishy thing. Also, googling baby snake images made my fear much worse. I deserve a pat on the back for increasing my fear. Good job, self.