My Doorbell- My Therapist's Pay Day.

The other day I was trying to take a 30 minute power nap after work, before I headed to class. When there's such a small window for a nap, every minute counts. So I was kind of pissed when my doorbell woke me up only 10 minutes into my nap. I decided not to answer it, but in the ensuing 5 minutes I imagined there was a psychotic robber at my front door who was going through the neighborhood pretending to be a carpet cleaner salesman, but really he was just robbing the houses where no one answered the door and murdering anyone he found inside.

Suffice to say I have a very active imagination and have read many Stephen King novels.


I dragged myself out of bed and went to the door. When I looked out the peephole no masked robber was waiting on the other side (it seems like my front door causes a lot of anxiety, right? Refer to my previous blog- "Trolls, Only Cute When They Have Little Jewels in Their Tummies").  I was not happy because my nap was now ruined, and with my 15 hour days, I need that freaking 30 minute power nap. The whole way to class I was thinking about what kind of sign to put on my door to keep people from EVER ringing the door bell.

Two days later I was home from an exhausting day at work. When I say exhausting day at work I really mean an exhausting day spent riding every roller coaster at six flags. I was just about to hop in the shower (cause riding roller coasters and eating onion rings makes a girl sweaty) when I heard the infernal door bell. I swear that little jerk is causing me to have some sort of anxiety disorder. This time I didn't hesitate, I quickly ran to the door. I peeped out the peephole and saw.........


Jehova's Witnesses. Or what appeared to be Jehova's Witnesses. Two young men in black slacks, white dress shirts, and black ties. I obviously realized the real reason they were at my door. To trick me into opening the front door so they could rush inside and rob me and possibly kill me.

Once again, suffice to say I grew up in a small town and I don't feel safe living in a big city.

The end of this story is very anti-climactic. I did not answer the door, and the "Jehova's Witnesses" just went away instead of breaking down the door like I assumed they would.

A while later I was telling my sister the story of these "Jehova's Witnesses" and she told me what I really needed to do was run outside naked with a shotgun every time a solicitor rang my doorbell. See her blog here to understand why she would suggest this solution- http://whatelainasays.blogspot.com/2013/02/dear-god-that-nudity-was-totally.html.  I thought about it and realized this might actually make matters worse if I took her advice so I'm looking for creative signs to post on my door to keep people away.

So who has an awesome, not stupid idea? Cause I don't want any stupid ideas people. No stupid ideas allowed. Only good ones. Seriously.

Post your ideas to my blog or my facebook. Thanks, have a good day, and don't run outside naked with a shotgun.

This is my actual doorbell. Every time someone rings it my therapist gets richer.

Trolls, only cute when they have little jewels in their tummies.

Most days I feel like I'm living the American dream. The one where I live in a cute little red brick house, with neighbors that talk to me over my fence, and birds that sit in the trees and chirp.  It's quiet, except for the birds and the occasional sounds of kids playing, and a few barking dogs here and there. The lawns are green and lush, and most of the women are stay at home moms that drive mini vans and smile at me every time I see them. So it paints a pretty picture, right?

Here's the ugly side of that pretty picture. Home Owner's Association (dun dun dun). These people INFURIATE me.

I was home in the middle of the day, which is an incredibly rare and weird occurrence (kind of like when you find a ball of hair in your cup o'noodles.)

So, I'm sitting down on my couch when......



the doorbell rang.



I sighed because I figured it was a solicitor. I got up, walked to the door and smashed my face against the little view hole thingy so I could see who was there.

Then,  I saw it.

Standing right. there. on my doorstep was a troll. A TROLL.  It's feet had loooong, yellow, sharp toenails. It's legs were covered in black, thick, coarse hair. The clothes it had on were filthy, dirty, rags. The long, muscled arms hung down to it's knees. It's mouth was set in a permanent snarl, and I could see the sharp, yellow teeth within. The eyes bulged out of it's head almost comically, except for the fact that they were terrifying. The large, bulbous nose sniffed the air as if trying to discern whether or not I was standing on the other side of the door.  It's hair was thin, black, and stringy, hanging to it's shoulders in limp, oily strands. 

It raised it's clawed hand and rang the doorbell again. 

I gasped and stepped away from the door.

I heard shuffling and then something slid under my door. I picked it up tentatively, and opened it..

I scanned it quickly and realized it was a notice from the Home Owner's Association telling me to edge my yard and roll up my hose, immediately. Well, that's weird. Why would a troll deliver this? Don't they have better things to do, like eat people who walk over bridges and terrorize medieval towns?

I walked slowly back to the peephole. There was a figure walking away from my door. It didn't look like troll though....weird.

I smacked my forehead with realization. Duh! 

That "troll" was just someone from the Homeowner's Association, delivering this EXTREMELY important message.

I guess trolls don't terrorize bridges anymore, they just threaten hard working people (who barely have time to eat and take showers) with legal ramifications should their yard not be edged within 10 days.

*Sigh*

Man, have we lost sight of what's truly important and worth our time and effort.

What's important to you? Have you become a troll?


It might be ok if I was one of these trolls, cause they can grant wishes and stuff.